Our closest relationships often shape the quality of our lives in profound ways. When they are going well, we tend to feel more connected, hopeful, and alive. When they become strained, it’s easy for that experience to spill into every other part of life.
Many of the couples I work with feel that they are growing apart. They want to learn better communication skills, and how to get better at problem solving.
I find, however, that the fundamental key to good relationships is the ability to be present to one another, like the way you were when you first fell in love. Any major life event or crisis brings you into the present – nature designed us that way because when you’re in the present you have more mental clarity and intelligence at your disposal. This happens when you fall in love. Presence creates a sense of connection, and when your mind settles, you naturally become a better listener.
In my couples’ coaching I first help you restore your ability to be present with one another. From there, simple tips on how to listen for understanding and get on the same page with your partner naturally evolve.
Many couples are surprised to discover that the love, warmth and understanding they thought had disappeared were never actually gone. They had simply gotten lost under layers of unnecessary thinking.
Looking in a Different Direction
Traditional relationship advice often focuses on improving communication, learning new skills, or finding better ways to solve problems.
While these approaches can sometimes be helpful, I've found that lasting change usually begins somewhere much deeper.
Every relationship is shaped by the state of mind each person brings into it.
When we're caught in the feeling of our own thinking, it becomes remarkably easy to misunderstand one another. We begin reacting to our own experience while believing we're reacting to our partner. Innocent misunderstandings can quickly become recurring patterns, not because either person is at fault, but because neither recognizes what is actually creating the experience.
As people begin to understand this more deeply, something naturally begins to change.
It’s stunning because I’ve been working on myself for so long – it feels like nothing happened, and yet everything is so different. I have the energy now to do what needs to be done – I had a case of chronic procrastination and it’s gone! I’m having a wonderful time with my husband and liking myself so much more. I’m so glad the party got started before I left the planet!
Ellen Zerkin
Retired pre-school teacher and explorer of What’s Next